Digi: oneWord*2010 HeArt~

This marks an important year for me.  Realizing that sporadic joy-filled moments will not bring me the essential and deserved happiness I crave deep inside.   How do I let go of something that casts such a vibrant glow of hope and love?  Such clarity; but then, the fog always settles thickly to the ground to where I cannot see my future any longer.  So many times, I've demanded myself to be happy, "Yes, I can do this!  Yes, I am strong! Yes, I can hang on!"  But I feel wilted ...  I am human.  I am a woman.  I was not created to shield myself from never ending dreams that reduce to rubble or rubbish.  I was created to Love.  It feels as if the unrealistic dreams I face day to day have hardened the *HeArt* of who I truly am inside.  Pinning me against numbed submission at times ...  Now, I truly understand the term *Middle Aged Crisis*.

Fine .. happiness is not happening for me right now.  Patience is a virtue.  And it seems that God's plan weighs sorely against my dreams & desires, at times...  So, as the Beatles sang, "Let It Be".  How many times do I have to ask for an answer while life rambles on, day to day, with nothing changing.

Just keep beating, *HeArt*...

My spirit relents ...  All the peripheral blessings in life are there but my HeArt needs more.  What I ultimately desire is Balance, Peace, *Harmony*.  To live my life with full love - in every way that Love is to be given, received and as deserved.  And even though some important dreams have failed or are not what I expected from my life or of myself, I've learned through every endeavor, and from every person woven through the process of my life ... and that, most importantly in the midst of my personal frustrations, I still have HeArt.  It may beat slightly softer, sometimes dropping to an aching thud but it is still love-filled.  In so many situations, I've just given all that I can, 133%, and still nothing, making it incomprehensible to pursue those paths any longer.  All I see is a large gate at the beginning of the path with a sign that says, "Do Not Enter".   Such a loss for me and for those whose heArts I've tried to touch and dwell inside. 

Acceptance is a challenge for me in itself because I've always been a fighter.  And because of that, I know there will be enough of me left inside that when the time is right I will reach out to find the light again.  White, pure light.  In it's truest form...

I deserve Full Love.  I will create a new path to happiness, God willing.

Good bye, Melancholy.  Hello *HeArt*...

Hugs to all my friends who struggle inside, for whatever reason or reasons ...  I know.  And for those of you who are truly happy, I smile inside for you.

CONVERSATION

2 comments:

  1. -just smiles and hugs- Sometimes you really hit the nail on the head, don'tcha?

    I love the pose too, with your mischievous eyes hiding shyly behind the fall of platinum and the faded grunge of the digital paper.

    blessings,
    ~Angelique

    ReplyDelete
  2. Beautiful words Juls. I see your HeART all the way from here. You obviously are a loving mother and friend.
    Big hug

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